Dear Seasonale,

     Just to be sure I'm addressing who I think I am,
you are the pill that claims to give a woman only four
periods a year right? Well you'll never guess who is
one of your newest customers...that's right, my
girlfriend. She was so excited when she started taking
you and at first so was I. The idea of her only being
"unavailable" to me four weeks a year seemed too good
to be true. Well, it was.

    Instead of a non-stop guilt free sex romp, I've
been treated to a woman who hasn't stopped having her
monthly visitor for the last three weeks. If it wasn't
for my constantly slapping her around, she would be
unbearable. Of course I'm joking, she's still
unbearable.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is, Seasonale, I'm
going to have to let you go. I know it's not going to
be easy for you trying to find someone else's sex life
to ruin, but this is just the way it has to be.

    If you were a little league baseball player and I
was your coach, I would sit you down, tell you how
much you suck, and then go have sex with your
hot-divorced mom. Why? Because I haven't had sex with
my girlfriend since you showed up. I may be suffering
from separation anxiety from the vagina. I swear to
God if I start fantasizing about men, you're dead.

    However, your claims to be a reliable method of
birth control are more than satisfactory. No one can
say that you don't deliver on that promise. I can say
with great confidence that there is no chance my
girlfriend is going to get pregnant this month. You
didn't just put a goalie in front of her egg to stop
my sperm from getting through, you placed armed guards
at every entrance to insure my sperm never even sees
the inside of the arena.

    If you're in the development stages with any other
pills, please let me know. Perhaps you're working on a
pill that prevents crying by making the eyeballs rot
and fall out. Or a pill that gives people only four
bowel movements a year by sealing up their butt-holes
with a thin membrane of skin.

     I realize that in the days of barbarism a good
old fashioned blood-letting was a very popular remedy
for a plethora of ailments. Let me remind you that
this is 2004. Nobody should bleed non-stop for three
weeks in a row in the new millennium. I'm sure putting
leeches on my penis would prevent pregnancy as well,
but let's go ahead and save that in case I'm ever
accidentally sent back in time to the 17th century.

     Some would say absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Well that may be true for the heart, but it's not true
for the organ that my heart is pumping so much blood
to. So Seasonale, I will now cordially invite you to
clean out your desk and get the hell out of my
girlfriend's reproductive system.
                            Love, 
                             Bill Scott